Right after we brought Avé home I came across some blogs I had been unaware of before. These blogs are written by adult adoptees and so of course I was very interested in what they had to say. I dove in and spent hours at night reading these blogs and the blogs they linked, and then the blogs that those blogs linked... you know how that can go. And although I gained some really great insight into adoption, it also left me with a very heavy heart. More than just a heavy heart- a panicked heart. A heart asking, "Oh. My. Gosh. Have we just done a terrible thing???" I was pretty freaked out there for a while. The perspective that adult adoptees have is real and cannot be discounted. But I discovered that most of these adult adoptees who blog are in the middle of processing their experience and sometimes that is raw and uncomfortable. And that is okay. It is their experience and they have every right to their feelings and to express them on the internet.
But. But, but, but...
Every time I would read them I would start to feel sick at my stomach. Uneasy. I'm already an over-thinker by nature and these blogs, well, they just weren't doing me any good. Yes, I gained some insight and perspectives that were interesting. But every time I would shut my computer after too much time reading, I would hear a still, small voice asking me, "Who are you going to listen to?"
I knew what He meant. I knew it was God and He was asking me if I was going to listen to those voices or to HIS.
See, our reasons for adopting were very simple. I heard God's voice telling me to do it. Years ago. Like waaaaaaaay before Avé was ever born. (You can read that story here.) And so that means that not only was that God's plan for me, it also means that it was God's redemptive plan for HER.
Is adoption a solution to the orphan crisis around the world? Not even close. Are there major reforms that MUST be made to make adoption ethical in every situation? Yes, of course. But when I read those "other" blogs I was always left feeling like adoption of any kind was questionable and that Avé would probably grow up resenting us for ruining her life by adopting her and taking her away from her homeland. (Again, these adult adoptees have every right to their feelings- it is their experience. But the ones I read tend to generalize and make you feel like they are writing EVERY adoptee's experience.)
So... I deleted all those blogs from my Google reader. I am not invalidating their voice, I am simply saying that for me, for now, I need to listen to God's voice. HIS plans are good and redemptive and I need to put my faith and my focus on THAT.
And this blogger who I really admire and respect blogged about a similar subject yesterday in a post titled, "Do orphans need saving?" And she linked a blogger who is working in Haiti; who is seeing the orphan crisis firsthand. And these women confirmed it for me.
Who am I going to listen to?
I am going to listen to the lover of my soul. I'm going to listen to the one whose plans are good and loving. I'm going to listen to the one who told me to do this in the first place. I'm going to listen to the one who adopted ME when I was unlovely and unworthy and unlovable. I'm going to listen to the only one who can offer me or any of us REDEMPTION.
And that brings me peace.