I'm a weepy mess.
It's crazy. I keep telling myself to pull it together.
I found out yesterday that the package we sent to our little girl was not able to be delivered. The kind people who were taking it to her for us had the great misfortune to have several pieces of their luggage lost- as in really lost and not found while they were in Ethiopia. Can you imagine? It must have been very frustrating as one of the bags had all the mom's things in it and another was full of humanitarian aid items for the foster care center. And much less important than any of those things, our little package was also inside one of those bags.
The things inside the bag are replaceable and Rebecca has already agreed to take another package for us when she goes to pick up her baby girl in 10 days. (Thanks!) But it was just such a huge bummer to me. I had been picturing our girl with that little puppy and with pictures of us and someone sitting down with her to explain that these were her brothers and this was her mommy and daddy... Okay, crying again.
Really, more than for her, the package was for US. It was for us to feel a connection to her. I mean, she's 2. She might like the puppy, someone might put the clothes on her, she might flip through the photo book... but then she'll be off to play with her friends and do her 2 year old things. The idea is really just for US to feel like she can hold in her hands something that we have held in ours until we can all be together and hold each other.
But no big deal, right??? She'll still have something from us in less than 2 weeks, so why all the fuss, Gayla??? Take it down a notch or two for Pete's sake!!!
But I just keep looking at her pictures- in particular the one where she is frowning at the camera and there are tiny tears starting to form in her eyes... and I read the referral report about her where it says she is "a very courageous girl" and I know that that really means that she is frightened and scared and unhappy, but doing a fair job managing it all. And I just WEEP.
Okay. Time to change my focus. Tonight my husband and I are running a 5K at midnight ("Race Into the New Year"- I blame my friend Jill for getting me into this insanity) under a blue moon (2nd full moon in a month- very special! especially on New Year's Eve!) and tomorrow we will start the year 2010- the year in which we will get to add a daughter and sister to our family. We will hopefully get an update about her from our agency on Monday or Tuesday of next week, and hopefully be finding out about her court date within the next few weeks as well, and Rebecca will take our package and possibly even pics of our girl in a couple of weeks. So... I need to focus on those positive things, right? If my girl can be called "courageous" after all she has been through, surely I can hang in there too.
It's already past midnight in Addis Ababa. My girl is sleeping her way into the new year. Is it possible to miss someone you've never even met? 'Cause I think I do.