Monday, December 28, 2009

12 Months

Last year around this time found us praying about where we were to adopt from. I clearly remember the day in January 09 when we knew. For reasons that I don't really understand and cannot begin to explain, the day we knew we were to adopt from Ethiopia found me flat on my face in my dining room crying out to God. Literally. Laying on my hardwoods flat on my face. I just fell out of my chair and onto the floor and began weeping. I don't know what I was really going on, but it was like something in me was mourning- DEEPLY mourning. It was an ache. I truly don't have words for it. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. Was I crying for Africa? Was I mourning for my daughter-to-be and all that she was going to lose in this year? Was I facing my own fears of transracial adoption and all it would entail? It was all of that and more. I may never know all that was going on in that moment, but it was deep and spiritual and powerful and real.

But that time on the floor crying out to God set the stage for this journey. We have been blessed beyond reason by people who have supported us and our adoption in so many ways- from donating money to holding garage sales to listening to me talk about it incessantly... It's truly been amazing - the support we have felt. Just incredible. I feel like so many people have literally held my hand through the whole thing. Even something as simple as moms on the playground after school just asking me about it and really being interested in my answers- that has meant so much to me.

From paperwork to wait list to referral... it's been an amazing 12 months. God has also used this time to create a deep and significant healing in me- one that I am so glad to have dealt with before we got news about our girl! His timing is amazing- such a gift.

And now here we are. We know her face. We know her name. We know a bit of her story. But I have to tell you... now that the initial fervor of excitement has worn off, it's just not enough. I need HER. My girl. Here. In my house. In my arms. I am completely crying as I am typing this because I just want to KNOW her! It's not enough to look at the same 7 pictures over and over... it's the strangest thing, but I long to hear her voice. What does she sound like when she talks? When she cries? What does she look like when she smiles? What makes her laugh? Is she ticklish? WHAT DOES HER LAUGH SOUND LIKE???

Okay, I seriously had to just take a break and get myself together. I've stopped crying. For the moment. But, this is hard. Sometimes I look at her referral snapshots and just melt. But honestly, other times I look at those same photos and just think "There is a little girl that I do not know" and feel nothing. My agency is due to give me an update on her soon- I'm thinking by the beginning of next week surely. I need an update. I need more information. I need to see more photos.

But mostly I just need my girl.

5 comments:

Kimberlie said...

Oh how I know where you are. I know the deep mourning. I know the struggle of having a face in a picture but not really KNOWING who they are. I know the fear of "can I love this child like I love my other children?" I know the need to see more photos. To have more, more, more because it is never enough.

Trust me when I say this because I know, the day you step off that plane in your daughter's birth country, will be the EXACT day that it is supposed to be, just the way our Father ordains. You will know that a day earlier, a day later, and it wouldn't have been right.

You have come so far in a year and you don't have much longer to go!!!

Anonymous said...

I got my referral on 12-7-09, I wait everyday for a court date! I hope we travel together. I know what you mean, about being in complete awe of this baby you don't even know. I pray for fast court dates for all and to bring home these precious bundles God has chosen for us!! You truly deserve this Beautiful daughter.

Ashton said...

I feel your pain. We are currently waiting on our little brother. So hard. Praying the speed goes quickly. It will be so worth it once you have her in your arms!

Eryn said...

Gayla...this is a beautiful post. I love the journey of your heart that it tells.

I'm still in the honeymoon phase of our referral...but I know the day is coming when my 5 photos will not to justice for the longing to hold her, snuggle her, and rock her to sleep.

Hang in there, I'm so excited for our new connection. Keep me posted on how I can pray specifically for you. Eryn

myletterstoemily said...

ok, now you have me dying for photos! hurry, hurry!

Selam! G'day! Hello!