Sunday, January 10, 2010

Debunking Fear

One would think that by this point in this amazing process I would have certainly realized that not only am I not in control of very much at all, but also that the ONE who IS in charge of it all has proven over and over that His very capable hands are exactly where we need to be.  But unfortunately one would be wrong in that assumption.

When I heard that two people who got their referrals after we did got court dates for NEXT FRIDAY, I have to admit that while I was very happy for them, I was not jealous in the LEAST.  In fact, I freaked out at the very possibility that we could get a court date in January!  I know for many of you that sounds just terrible.  But I have to be honest.  It's not that I have changed my mind about our beautiful girl.  No- not at all!  I long to see her and hold her and play with her and to help her start the grieving process and help her through it all... So what is it that freaks me out???  Rather than just sit and deny my fears, I thought I would put them out there and face them.

So what is it that I am afraid of?  Let's face it and debunk it, shall we?

Fear:  We plan to take our boys with us when we go to ET to get our little girl.  I am worried that our travel time will interfere with the time that Jack is supposed to be taking the OCCT.  That's the Oklahoma Core Curriculum Test and it's without a doubt the biggest event of Elementary School.  Results of this test determine which Middle Schools kids can get into.  The test will be given the second week in March.  If that particular week was our travel time, that honestly would not bother me.  He can always make it up after Spring Break.  I would rather he miss the test and have to make it up than miss any of the test prep which will take place between now and then.
Debunking:  So.  Does God know or not know the week of this test as well as the importance of it?  Yes.  Yes he does.  He knows all about it and has since the beginning of time.  He knows and cares about Jack's future even more than I do.  So... no matter the timing, I think He can handle it.  If Jack misses test prep or misses the test itself, neither of which are more important than being able to go to Ethiopia and meet his sister and see her country and see how MOST of the world lives.  So... the timing is in God's hands whether I worry myself silly about it or not, so I may as well not.

Fear:  Her ROOM!!!  Oi vay... what a mess it is right now.  Mick has been working very hard getting her new shelves and drawers built.  After they are installed he will start taking out all the windows and switching them for ones that are more economical and less, well, less 80 years old and drafty.  After the new windows are in,  then there's paint and THEN we can start actually setting up the room.  And that all takes TIME!!!
Debunking:  I do not think that every little detail has to be in place before she comes.  As long as we have the basics (bed, clothes, jammies, a few toys) she will be fine.  We can work out decoration details at any time.  Indeed it might be better to get to know her personality a bit before I decorate.  Then she can have input as to what her room will look like!

Fear:  The longer I am able to work the more money I will have.  Doesn't everything come down to money???
Debunking:  Has God not given me this job straight out of the clear blue sky?  Does He not know my needs?  Has He not provided for every little thing every little step of the way???

Fear:  Tickets.  Let's be honest.  Just flying Mick and I there and back and our little girl back is going to be a pretty penny.  Add in flying the boys both ways and it adds up to a very pretty penny indeed.  Yikes.  I got really freaked out looking at prices the other day.  Holy Moly.
Debunking:  Ditto the above debunk.

So.  Here's what I have reminded myself:  God is big.  God has been in charge of this adoption all along and He has provided for every little moment of it.  He already knows the way it all works out and has since the beginning of time.  He loves us all and cares about our well being more than we can imagine.  And more than anything, he knows my little girl and He knows how much she needs a family and when she needs us to come.  So should I worry and stew over things I have zero control over?  Or should I just rest and trust?  Hmmmm... Seems pretty obvious, doesn't it.  I know it's easier said than done, though.  So any prayers you might feel like tossing up for us would be really appreciated.

So bring on a court date!  Bring on passing first time around!  Bring on a quick travel time!  I'm trusting that HE knows best and that we are all going to be exactly where we need to be exactly when we need to be there.

And won't it be fun a few months from now to see how He worked it all out???  I don't plan to spend the time between now and then in a state of worry.  I plan to spend it in a state of eager anticipation.


Eryn said...

AWESOME post. I don't know about you, but putting the fear out there, bringing my shame to light, helps. God immediately puts hope in our hearts when we open ourselves up to him, giving him the chance to do his THANG. I said it in my post too, BRING IT, JESUS! We are READY to see you work.

Karenkool said...

Confessing the fears and reminding ourselves of the hope we have in our most loving-God... it definitely opens the door for his peace to flood in.

The "not-knowing" is sometimes the hardest part. I'll be praying for you, Gayla. Deep breaths help get oxygen to the brain--don't forget that!! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Gayla,
I understand the "freaking out" part!! I got my referral 12-7-09 and my court date is 1-26-10!! I wasn't expecting it so fast!! But when it happens it's pure JOY!!! Much faster than the referral wait....

Angela said...

G, encouraging post for me! I love, love, love to reminded of God's faithfulness and love, and it's hard to constantly remind myself. I need to hear it from the Body, from you, from everyone. Thank you!


Evelyn said...

Another 3 continent family! How fun is that? Thanks for reading my blog and may you have the *perfect* court date! Woo hoo! Excited for you!

Kimberlie said...

After 3 adoptions, I am amazed at how perfect the timing has always been for our travel. I always have MY timeline and God has HIS and his is always the perfect one and so not what I was thinking. :)

And Gayla, it's always about the money when it comes to adoption. It's a sad fact of that part of life. But God provides EVERY time, and that's a fact. :)

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Sohailah said...

you are a great debunker and I'm sending my fear list over right away!

Selam! G'day! Hello!