Well... I just came from the FedEx office where I mailed a TON of paperwork to Gladney! I have been working out of this file box for 6 weeks now and had it all labeled in the three groups Gladney suggested... but I finished them all around the same time so I just mailed them ALL together! Is it weird that I felt a little attached to the paperwork? Like I was a little scared to let it go? Not scared that I didn't do it right, just like I enjoyed having it around as a reminder of what we are doing. Strange, huh? But off it goes and will be at the Gladney office at 10:30am tomorrow!
It's all starting to get very real and exciting to me. Not real in an "I'm freaking out again" kind of way- real in a very sweet and precious way. Like my heart is finally where it needs to be. I'm excited!!!
I've been praying a lot for my children's mother. I can't explain the connection I feel with her. I know that if she is still living she has a very deep ache in her heart knowing that she cannot raise her children. Just put yourself in those shoes for a moment. Knowing that you cannot raise your children- either because of your health, unimaginable poverty, or any circumstance at all. It must be the worst feeling in the world. When I try to put myself in that situation (which I cannot manage for more than a few seconds without crying) I know that my heart's deepest cry would be for someone to take care of my kids- to love them and feed them and clothe them and give them a home... and to above all let them know how deeply, achingly deeply they were loved by me. Are other mothers around the world any different? The luck of our birth put us in different and unfair circumstances, but I believe mothers are the same everywhere. We love our children and devote our very lives to them. We live for them. Ensuring that they are equipped to be all that they are meant to be is the very purpose for our existence. Imagine not being able to do that- what fear and what dread that must create. I feel a sisterhood- a kinship with this woman. I hope I am able to learn a lot of information about her so that I can pass that on to her/my children someday. I know they will one day want to know all they can about this woman who gave them life and then had to give them up. I already feel obligated to her- indebted to her. Like I need to be a better person for her. Her kids deserve to be loved and taken care of and cherished, and the person who deserves to be able to do that is HER. I will never forget that. But since she, my sister, cannot have that privilege, I must do my best to pick up where she will leave off. Her heart is crying out for someone, some family to come along and love her children and raise them since she cannot.
If not my family, then who?