Readoption Day!!!

Today was our day in court- the day when the Judge would slam his gavel and declare what we have already known for a year now- we are a FAMILY.

Yesterday I got a call from the Judge's secretary saying that a copy of some of our ET paperwork was missing from our file- I should have submitted in with the rest back in February, but she thought it would be okay for me to bring it tomorrow.  But still... THE PANIC BEGAN!!!  To be honest, I'm still not really sure what piece of info they specifically wanted, so I just copied EVERY! SINGLE! PAPER! that we received in Ethiopia just to be sure.  We were filing Pro Se (no lawyer) and so I was extremely nervous about whether or not I had done it all correctly.

Then last night I noticed that there was one piece of documentation that I had totally overlooked.  MORE PANIC!!!  AND... it had to be notarized before we turned it in!!!  Geesh.  So needless to say I was a bit worked up about this appointment w/ the Judge.

I may have never had cause to mention this on my blog before... but I hate being late.  I mean... I'm using the word HATE here.  I would say that even the thought of being late makes me a bit manic.  I tense up and start to think frenzied thoughts.  My mind starts racing with all the "what if's...." and NONE of the scenarios I play out have positive outcomes.  Irrational... I know.  But there you go.  I'm irrational.  So thinking about the fact that I had to:
1.  Go to the bank and get that document notarized AND...
2.  Navigate parking downtown during the NCAA tournament taking place AND...
3.  Turn the notarized document and the ET copies into the probate desk and get them filed AND...
4.  STILL be on time for our 1:30 appointment w/ the Judge AND...
5.  Hope that I had filled out all the paperwork correctly...
...well... it all made me a bit, shall we say... unbalanced.  

And so I told Mick we had to leave home EARLY.
Because those notaries?  They can be quick or slow.
And the parking?  A complete unknown.
And the probate desk?  I waited 40 minutes to file docs in Feb.
And who knows what happens if you are late for your court appointment!!!  NO IDEA!!!  But it can't be good!!!
So we left home to accomplish all these tasks... a full 2 hours before our appointment.

See?  Irrational.  BUT! that made me feel better b/c w/ all those unknowns I was feeling really edgy.   And knowing that I had allowed for the maximum time each event might take was very calming to me.

And so what happened???
Notary took 5 minutes.
Parking was no problem
Probate filed all my papers in 5 minutes.
Which meant that we were 1 1/2 hours early for our court appointment.
Which meant that Mick wanted to officially sign me up for some sort of 12 Step Group for Psychos Who Can Never Even Think About Being Late.  For Anything.  Ever.

Oops.

I felt pretty bad, but luckily I was prepared.  (You know that "Be Prepared" song from the movie "Hoodwinked?"  (not the scary one from Lion KIng... this one is funny) - well my kids think it's about ME.)  I had a bag packed for just such an occasion and so we just found a bench on some floor of the Court House that didn't seem very busy and settled in to wait.

So we read books.  We ate snacks.  We used the restroom on various floors of the Court House.  We rode the escalator and elevators.  We peeked into court rooms.  Oh, and did this...

I *DID* mention that we were ONE AND A HALF HOURS early, didn't I?

That's NINETY MINUTES of keeping kids quiet and entertained.

And it was too chilly to go outside.

Actually it was too chilly for her to be wearing that dress...

...but she got it from her Nanny at the orphanage and she's about to outgrow it...

...and she wanted to wear it for this special day.  

So what'cha gonna do?

I'm telling you... it was a looooooong wait.  

The kids did GREAT, actually.  Here's what Mick did:

Seriously.  I was afraid people were going to think he was a homeless man who wandered into the Court House to get out of the cold!!!  What can I say.  

The man has two speeds:  100 mph or ZERO mph.  There is no in between.  ;-)

But in the end it was all worth it.  Our Judge was very sweet to all of us and made the boys promise to be good big brothers and to protect their little sister and look after her ALL THEIR LIVES.  They both took it very seriously and promised to do so.  I thought it was precious.  

And a "BLAM" of the gavel, and that's it!  

She's a US citizen, and we're a family.

But we didn't really need any court to tell us that.  ;-)

Celebrating Our First 365 days!

 How perfectly appropriate that we received these "Got Love?  adopt." shirts on the very day we were celebrating our first year together!!!  Aren't they great?  You can get yours here.

I think THIS is love.  ;-)

What's up with these lips???

Hams.  All three of them.

I did something that night that I had not been brave enough to do in our first 365 days together:  I cooked Ethiopian food!  And... (drumroll, please...)  IT WAS INCREDIBLE!!!  I was shocked at how delicious it was.  I got the recipe from the amazing Mary- recipe posted here.  

Someone was happy I cooked ET food!

And someone ate it all!!!  (actually we all did !)

 Last year on our first day with Avé in Ethiopia we went to a coffee shop after our Embassy appointment and we got some ice cream there for the kids.  We put one small bite into her mouth, and she didn't even bother to close her mouth around it!  She just looked shocked at the cold and then let it slide right out of her mouth and onto her shirt!  Rejection!!!  But... it didn't take long for that to change.  So in honor of that first day we went and got ice cream after dinner.  

A perfect way to end a wonderful day... 

and a great start our NEXT year together as a
3 continent family.

Our 1st Familyversary!

One year ago today this little girl climbed up the stairs to meet her new family.

She backed into my arms and took the dolly that I gave her.  

Such ease.  Such grace.  Such confidence.  

I really can’t believe it’s been a whole year.  And of course in other ways I can’t believe it’s only been a year.

I look back at these pix of our first few minutes and days together and just sit back in awe of this little person that I am lucky to call my daughter.  How did she do it???  How did she just meet these new, strange people and so willingly call them family???  


Really... how did she do it???  

This video was taken within the first few hours of us being together on the first day.  Notice how quickly she had Jack and Ben at her beck and call!  (btw, "Ah-TOW!" means "Give it to me!"  Jack and Ben learned that word and "Nay!" ("Come here!") very quickly that first day!!!  ;-) 

I can look back in some of the pictures now and recognize emotions that I didn’t at the time.  I know her face and her emotions so much better now than I did a year ago that I now can see things there that I just didn’t recognize then. I can see hesitation in her eyes sometimes, or even occasionally confusion.  But I look at all those pictures- those moments captured in time- and I don’t see fear.  I don’t see sadness.  I just see an incredibly brave little girl who has accepted that some really awful things have happened in her life and because of that sadness she needs a new family.  And so... here they are and they seem nice and fun, so... Okay!  Let’s do this!  

I really can’t get over that.  I don’t think I ever will.  I don’t think I will ever get used to the fact that she just walked into my arms in those first moments together.  How could she do that???  How could she trust me so instantly???  It’s just unbelievable.  Just unbelievable.  

The pix below are from our first day together in America.  She was so happy... so content.  How did she do it???  EVERYTHING in her world had just changed.  EVERYTHING.  Although she didn't (and still doesn't) realize it, she had instantly lost her culture, her language... everything that until that point in her 3.5 year old life she had ever known was GONE.  Her reaction?  She just had a BALL!!!  How on EARTH did that happen???

Jack and Ben threw a "party" for her on our first day home.

The party included dancing around with lightsabres.

Avé caught on right away!

I will be so interested in years to come to hear her talk about those first few days together.  About those first few moments together.  She calls the time when we met "When I was a baby..."  When we ask her about those first moments, first days, she just talks about how she gave suckers to Jack and Ben and they taught her how to blow bubbles.  I ask her if she felt scared when she was riding in the car to come to us.  She says she doesn't remember very much about it.  But I think someday she will.  Maybe someday she will have a completely different story to tell us than the one we perceived.  Maybe she will tell us that she was terrified but covered it all up.  But... I don't think she could have kept up that kind of cover for a whole year.  She just came to us ready to be in a family.  Just ready to give and receive love.  I can't explain it... I guess we just got lucky b/c I know it doesn't have anything to do with the rest of us.  

It's just HER.  Remarkable, brave, funny, sweet, loving, sassy, wise-beyond-her-years Abeba Joy Lilah Gower.  

It's just her.  

I really think this had a lot to do with her smooth transition.

One of her new favorite phrases is, "You are my favorite Mommy EVER!!!"  My boys used to say that too, but... it takes on a whole new meaning when it comes from her, doesn't it?  I always send up a silent apology to Mama Meselesh in heaven when she says that.  I always tell Mama Meselesh, "I'm so sorry she doesn't remember you... But YOU are the reason she is who she is.  YOU laid her foundation and made it so strong and durable.  YOU planted these seeds in her heart of bravery and flexibility and YOU taught her to give and receive love."  Mama Meselesh did all the hard work.  We just reap the fruits of her labor.  

...I hope she knows.

I really hope she gets to look down from heaven and gets to KNOW that this girl is JUST. LIKE. HER.

It's been a wonderful year.

Luckiest Girl.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world today.  I really do.  Something happened to day that I will be soaking up for the rest of my life.

How do I blog about this without sharing intimate details of my life with the world wide web?

Basically, like every single person who may ever read this, my life is complicated and has challenges.  Big ones.  Challenges that often feel insurmountable.  Like I'm literally going to die trying to just live through them, much less overcome them.

A few years ago I literally came to the end of my rope in the area I am referring to.  It wasn't the first time I was ever at such a low place, and it also wasn't the last.  But the difference was that this time I reached out for help.  Up until that point only a couple of people knew what all the stuff that had *really* gone on (and was currently going on) in my life.  I didn't trust that information to too many people and was scared to death of what would happen if others in my life found out.  I was afraid of judgement, gossip, being seen as "less than", and most of all- rejection.  But I was at a crossroad- I knew I couldn't go on alone, and yet I was terrified of reaching out.  At that point the options seemed really limited.  Stay alone, in the dark, keep your stuff secret... and risk completely falling apart, OR reach out for help that may or may not be there.  And so I took the huge risk and reached out.

Instead of rejection I found acceptance.
Instead of judgement I found compassion.
Instead of gossip I found my heart safe.
And you know what else I found?  I found that this scripture is TRUE:
"Carry each other's burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."  Galatians 6:2

When I shared my burden with my friends something magical happened- I found I wasn't carrying the load alone anymore.  Really!  I found this to be an amazing and unexpected experience.  As soon as I found the courage to tell people, I found that the load was lighter!  It wasn't too much anymore.  It was still heavy.  I still felt weighed down- but I could sense that others were along side me shouldering a piece of the burden as well.  Amazing.

These women who I have trusted with my heart have continued to walk along side me through these years.  I am not going to make it through this life without these friends.  I mean that.  But that doesn't mean that it is always easy to reach out to them.  It's humbling- every time.  And sometimes it's embarrassing and even humiliating to need them AGAIN.  And AGAIN.  And AGAIN.  But every time (and over the years there have been MANY times...) they have held up my arms when I found I couldn't any longer.

And at the end of last year I found I needed them once again.

Once again I swallowed my pride.
I resisted the temptation to pretend everything was fine.

Once again I reached out.
I admitted the truth about how low things had become and asked for prayer.

Once again I found my weary arms upheld.
But until today... I didn't know the extent of that help.

Today I found that seven of my friends who have been by my side for a very long time now- friends who know all my junk and inexplicably love me anyway- these seven friends have been praying for me and all my crazy situation every single day since they found out about the latest happenings at the end of last year.  They divided the week up between them and have covered me and my life: marriage, family, everything! in prayer every single day since then.

And you know what???  The situation they have been praying for did a 180 about 6 weeks ago.  Strangely, miraculously, the situation turned around and since has been better than I honestly ever believed it could be.  Of course God gets all the credit for this dramatic change, but my friends played a part by continually bringing this petition before the Father.

When I found out about this behind the scenes prayer team I was literally speechless.  I cannot put into words how it made me feel to know that these women love me so much that they would do this for me... I really do not have the writing abilities to describe how this love made me feel.  But I think if I told you that it made me do the ugly cry right there outside of Starbucks it might paint the picture a bit more clearly.

How did I feel???

I felt LOVED.

How did I get these friends???   Fear wanted to tell me that letting people in on all my sickness would make them disrespect me.  Would make them reject me.  Would make them think I was pathetic and unworthy of time and attention.  Instead... humble vulnerability grew something I hadn't counted on: respect.  You know what one of my friends called me today?  BRAVE.  Brave!  Me!  That word went straight to my HEART!!!  I am BRAVE???  I feel like a mess most of the time.  But she thinks I am BRAVE???

I truly feel like a lucky, lucky girl.

Podcast #4

I don't really know if anyone links "Three Moms and a Podcast" from here, but just in case I'll let you know that Episode #4 is up!  We talked about how it really takes a village to get through this life- through motherhood, marriage, adoption, child rearing, and even flossing.  We are all part of the village, people.  We need each other!  So c'mon Village Peeps!  ;-)

Attachment Avenue: It's a Two-Way Street

Claudia has asked anyone who is willing to to write about their adoption attachment experience with their Ethiopian child or children.  She is going to very kindly link all the posts in one common place where we can all go to read each other's stories and get some community support.  Isn't that a great idea?  If you are interested, jump on in!  But you have to post and link it on her linky by March 7th.

Our attachment story is still a cause for wonder to me.  Like everyone, I read the books, watched the educational videos our agency required and prepared (as much as is possible- which, let's face it... isn't much) before we traveled to meet our daughter- just 2 weeks shy of a year ago now.  All of our agency reports about her had told us that she was VERY reserved and quite shy.  She is not smiling in ONE of the photos we saw of her before we travelled.  In fact, she had tears in her eyes in some of her referral photos.  We discussed with each other and with our boys how we were going to handle adopting a very reserved and possibly very scared and sad little girl.

one of her referral photos

Here is what I expected from her upon our first meeting:
*tears
*fear
*reservation
*confusion
*boys would break the ice and maybe make her feel a bit more comfortable

And that was what I expected at BEST.  What I expected at WORST was:
*sheer and utter terror
*screaming
*rejection
*desire to go back to the orphanage rather than stay w/ us at our guest house

Here is what I expected from her upon arrival in America:
*fear
*poor sleep
*tears
*confusion
*need to "cocoon" - not go out or let anyone come over for several months
*looooooong adjustment time
*picking the boys up from school in the "circle drive" rather than on the playground (keep her in the car)
*lots of rocking and comforting
*food issues (either rejection of American food or hoarding or both)

Here is what ACTUALLY happened upon our first meeting:
*She backed into me immediately and let me hold her like that for the first couple of hours.
*She didn't cry at all.
*She didn't make much noise for the first 15-20 minutes or so, but after that became quite chatty.  (No idea what she was saying... but it didn't seem to be a cause for concern.)
*She laughed at the boys.
*She played.
*She let me carry her.
*She wasn't crazy about Mick at first, but was not rejecting him.  Just slow to warm to him.
*She was bossing the boys around in Amharic within a few hours.
*She called me "Mommy" from that first day.

First Day- on the way to our Embassy Appt.

Really.
I couldn't believe she was that easy.
But I thought things would change when we took her away from everything she has ever known and planted her in an unfamiliar environment with unfamiliar food and unfamiliar language and customs.

Here is what ACTUALLY happened upon her arrival in America:
*She ate a "Five Guys" hamburger in the airport.
*She ate pizza when we got to our house.
*She slept through the night the first night home... and every night since except for 2.
*She never hoarded food.
*She bonded with Mick.
*She played with the boys as if she had been doing it every day of her life.
*She followed me around- not in a fearful or needy way, just in a delightful little girl loving her mommy way.
*She went to church 10 days after arriving home. We didn't put her in the child care- kept her with us the whole time, but she did GREAT.  It was Easter and she stood in the middle of the hallway showing off her dress and tights and shoes to every one who would listen to her jabber on in Amharic about how cute she thought she was!  It was adorable.
*We started picking Jack and Ben up on the playground after about 2 or 3 weeks.  She wanted me nearby, but would play with other children and climb on the monkey bars or want to be pushed on the swings.

Easter Sunday 2010

ALL of that *could* have just been a coping mechanism learned as survival behavior. (we read all the books and watched all the videos, remember?)  We watched out for that.  But the fact is... it wasn't survival behavior.  It was just HER.  I really watched very closely for any signs of anxiety or struggle and the fact is... she just walked into this new life like she owned the place.  More on our initial attachment process and transition here.

Now, all of that is from HER perspective- at least, her perspective from OUR perspective.  Know what I mean?  Bottom line- she has done really well.  She is remarkable.

But it's a two way street, isn't it?

I would say that my boys attached to her as quickly as she attached to them.  It was great, but not perfect.  More on the struggles they have experienced here.

First Day of School '10-'11

I would say that Mick was very patient with her waiting for her to come to him.  And once she did they have been very strong.

at the park

As for me... I would say that she and I have attached very well... but in my heart there have been struggles.  I would be dishonest to say that bonding with her has been exactly like bonding with my biological sons.  It hasn't been the same, and I think that 's okay.  I mean- it is what it is and so it has to be okay.

At first it really worried me.  I knew that I really thought she was great, but I didn't feel that "heart in your throat" kind of thing that I felt for my boys.  I knew that was probably normal, but still it worried me.  But it came.  It really came.  One day I looked at her in my rearview window and my heart leapt and I thought, "OH!  There it is..."

But there have been and continue to be times when I know in my heart that I'm not responding to her the same way I would respond to my boys.  I guess really I felt less attached.  Not that I didn't love her and think she was wonderful.  Just that she could irritate me more quickly than I knew my boys would have at the same age and in similar circumstances.  (but truly... that may not just be a bio vs. adoption thing.  it's also probably a bit of a girl vs. boy thing.  they are SO different!)  There were definitely days when it felt like "going through the motions" more than "joyously spending time with my daughter."  But luckily those times were always accompanied by her delightful self- so full of laughter and silliness and fun... and LOVE.  She expressed love for US so clearly and consistently so early on.  So even when I wasn't "feeling" it for her, it was still easy to LIKE her and ENJOY her.

fun with photo booth

I still have those moments.  They have become fewer and farther between as this year has passed, but occasionally they are still there.  I'm not proud of that, but it's true.  I still sometimes feel like I'm faking it a little bit with her and it makes me feel terrible b/c I know that I never felt like that w/ my boys.  I sometimes wonder if it's possible for her to sense that I feel that way.  I pray she doesn't.

I think there is probably a broad spectrum of "normal" in attachment and bonding w/ your adopted child.  It's a two way street, that's for sure.  But it wasn't anything like I expected.  Because here is the truth:  overall... it's been really easy for us.  And the more time passes the deeper my love for her grows- and I believe the same is true for her

The truth is: it has NOTHING to do with Mick nor I nor our boys nor any of the books we read nor videos we watched.  It has EVERYTHING to do with Avé and who she is as a person.

THIS is who she is!

I think her first family gave her some great, strong, resilient DNA along with some heavy doses of L.O.V.E.  Of course she experienced trauma- every adopted child has.  She lost her first family!  That is a fact.  And she's wicked smart and knows more about who she is and what has happened in her short life than the average 4 year old.  (More on her grieving process here.)  But she came to us knowing how to be in a family.  She knows how to be not just loved but ADORED.  That is something you only learn one way: by being adored.  If her Mama Meselesh is able to look down from heaven I hope she can see that her baby girl is strong and safe and amazing and truly, madly, deeply loved.

We were getting all snuggly-buggly on the couch the other day and I said to her, "You know what?  I just think I love you more and more every day.  I'm so glad you are my girl!!!"  And she looked up with those amazing eyes of hers and said, "Mommy, me too."